


The Doctor Is In The MadHouse

by MadDramaQueen



Series: Adventures in the SortaMalicious MadHouse [13]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: everyone is sick, welp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 08:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7836643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadDramaQueen/pseuds/MadDramaQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The MadHouse has come down with a terrible cold!<br/>With those that were spared, they've huddled together to try to take care of the sick. <br/>But, when that doesn't work, they need professional help.<br/>And either party isn't ready for what they're going to experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor Is In The MadHouse

This was bad. I mean...really bad.   
The MadHouse came down with a cold. Almost everyone got sick at the exact same time. It's such a mystery how all this happened. Maybe we all had the A/C on full blast. Maybe the weather is screwing with everyone's bodies. Or did Azriella cast a spell that went awry? Either way, whatever the cause, the cold is here and it won't go away.

"Tabiiii! Can I have some orange juice?" Zinnia asked, groaning from their room. I was tending to Nicole, who wanted some tea with honey. I pop my head in Zinnia's room to see them sitting up in bed, flipping the channels on the TV with the remote. They did not look sick at all. 

"Sure, but you're not sick." I observe. 

Zinnia just coughs and shrugs. "I mean...I think I'm sick. But, I've been watching TV and eating my favorite snacks all day. I guess it's the environment. Ugh! I'm so confused! Can't we just get a doctor?"

I open my eyes wide in horror. "Uh, do we really want a doctor coming in here? Into this crazy MadHouse? We'd all be entered in some insane crazy place."

"I'm pretty sure we're already there, my friend." Omega says, carrying a bowl of soup towards Fallz' room. Well, he wasn't wrong. 

"Look, just take it easy, Zinnia. It's probably the cold messing with your head. I'm gonna check on the others." Zinnia gave a small wave as Omega and I stopped by Fallz' room as she was lying in bed, groaning in pain with her trash can next to the bed. 

"Guys, I think I'm dying. This is it. The end is near for me." Fallz dramatically sighed, her voice a little hoarse, as she turned to face us, her 3DS in her hands. Even when she's sick, she just has to play video games. Sounds like a certain Mad King I know...

"I call dibs on her video games!" Omega cheered. I just slapped him on the back of the head.

"Be nice! We're lucky to not be sick. And Fallz, you are not dying. We're here to help you get better, okay? You just take it easy and eat some soup." I said as Omega put the bowl of soup on her table. 

She just coughed and shook her head. "Guys, I'm so sick-"

"Of that same old love?" Joe swung into the room and landed on her bed. He then proceeded to jump on it, forgetting the sick Vagabond was lying there. 

"Joe! Stop it!" she tried to yell, but ending up coughing more. 

"Damn it, Joe! Fallz is sick. Get off the bed, you idiot!" I exclaim, pulling him off the bed. 

"How can everyone feel so sick when I feel so good? Ah, I could just run around the MadHouse 5 times if I wanted to! But, I don't want to. I'd rather swing. Excuse me." he smirked as he jumped out of the room and probably went to cause mischief at another end of the house. 

Omega chuckled and shook his head. "And this is the guy I'm best friends with."

Fallz leaned over towards the soup and sniffed it. Then, it looked like she got a sick feeling in her stomach as she quickly leaned over her trash can and hurled. 

"Oh, gross!" I turned away quickly. 

Omega went to her side and rubbed her back. "I guess soup didn't work. What now?"

"Call a doctor. Please. You guys can't do this on your own." Fallz weakly suggested. 

We could hear grumbling as Lotti stormed into the room. "I can't even hide out in my room without people wanting things from me. Can we just kill them? They're already sick."

"Damn it, Lotti! No! We're not killing anybody. But, we might have to call a doctor." I sigh.

"Can't Azriella fix all this? She is a witch, after all." Omega said as he tried to help Fallz relax. 

"Well, I guess. But, I don't know what side effects magic has on the sick. So, I'm a little worried about that. Plus, I have no snacks." I deadpanned. 

"So, we're calling a doctor? Good. Which doctor are you calling?" Lotti asked. 

"OOH EE OOH AH AH! TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG!" Joe swung in the room again, singing the classic "Witch Doctor song" as I face palmed and sighed. 

"Get out of here, Ninja Monkey!" I pointed to the door. Joe just chuckled and quickly left. He seems to show up when it's time for jokes. Must be part of his charm. 

"We need a good doctor. Anyone have any suggestions?" I ask around. Lotti just groaned and took out her phone. 

"Look. I'm just gonna call the operator. They'll direct us to the best doctor. I'll make sure of it." she said with a threatening tone. She then dialed the number and then all was quiet. Until Fallz threw up again. We have to get that soup outta here...

Suddenly, Lotti snapped to attention after zoning out for 10 seconds.

"Ah, hello? Yes, operator? I'm calling because I need a doctor. What kind? The one that takes care of sick Vagabonds! THAT'S what kind! The MadHouse is sick, you idiot! And we need help! And if you value your life, you'll- What? Oh, you know a guy? And he's perfect for the job? Well, that's great! Send him right over to the MadHouse. We need his help right away! Mm-hmm. Yeah. 30 minutes. All right. And what's his name? Yeah. How do you spell that? M-I-L-E-Z."

"MILEZ?!" we exclaimed (minus Fallz, who just looked at Lotti with shock) Lotti dropped her phone and grumbles some more. 

"Oh, this is just great. That idiot is a doctor now and he's come back to kill us all. Welp. Time to get the battle axe." Lotti walked out the room and went to possibly sharpen her weapon. 

"How did he get a job as a doctor?" I asked. 

"I have no idea. You'd think he'd go for something much happier after that retail job he had." Omega shrugged. 

"He is not gonna be happy to come back here. He might just use his doctor stuff to kill us!" 

"Nope. And you wanna know why? He's not that bright, not that mean and Ryan is here. And he's not sick. Sooo if anything happens to us, all Ryan has to do is say the word and RIP Milez." Omega chuckled. 

"True. Welp. Gotta get ready for a house call. Let's hope by the end of this, the doctor won't need a doctor."

\--------------------------------

_DING DONG_

One of the soon-to-be Vagabonds, Brandi, skipped up to the front doors and opened them. She looked outside and didn't see anyone there. 

"Hello? Who's there?" she asked. She stepped outside to look around and didn't see anyone. Until she noticed someone shaking and whimpering behind the bushes. She slowly peaked over the bushes to see a man in a doctors coat (with a smiley face sewn on the front) shaking in fear. 

"Hello? Oh, I know you! You're Milez, right?" Brandi said, offering to help him up. 

"Y-You're normal, right? Not like those crazy people in there?" Milez slowly took her hand and stepped out of the bushes, brushing off his coat.

"Well, I live here, but I'm not with the Vagabonds. I'm Brandi, and I promise you I'm not here to kill you." she smiled, leading him into the MadHouse. I've just made my way downstairs to see her and Milez walking in. 

"Welcome back to the MadHouse, Milez! We've missed you...." I smiled, a hint of malice in my voice. He tried to run away again, but Brandi pulled him back. 

"Damn it, Tabitha! Don't scare him away! He just got here. And he's here to help everyone get better, right?"

"Y-Yeah. Absolutely!" Milez said, slowly getting his confidence back. "I might be in this crazy place again, but my job is to put smiles back on your faces! And to make you well again! Heh heh...Let's just keep the chaos to a minimum, shall we?" Milez asked me nervously. 

"Well, most of the whole house is sick, so I think you're spared. But, you never know what happens in the MadHouse. I think we should go to Fallz' room first. She's really not doing so good." I told him. "You can let him go, Brandi. I think he'll be fine."

Brandi slowly let him arm go and returned back to the garden, hoping that he wouldn't run out of the house again. Welp. Let's see how this goes.

\-----------------------

We went back to Fallz' room and she didn't look any better. Milez slowly walked in and sat in a chair placed by her bed.

"Hello, hello, hello there! And you must be my first patient! So, how do you feel?" Milez asked with his Disney smile and plucky enthusiasm. 

"Ugh...like the Spider God can just take me in his arms and carry me away." Fallz moaned, voice almost non-existant. Milez looked at me, eyes wide open. I shrugged. "It's from a video game. You should play it sometime." 

"No, thank you. I prefer nice, happy games that don't involve murder or blood. Just sunshine, kitty cats and all around wholesome, family fun!" 

I rolled my eyes as MIlez began to examine his first patient. Fallz cooperated with every instruction given and it looked like Milez knew what he was doing. 

"Okay. This is nothing I can't fix. Now, Fallz, I'm gonna need you to take some yummy medicine for me, okay?" He took out a bottle from his doctor bag which looked like death. Like, green poison was kept in there. Fallz backed away on her bed towards the wall. 

"No. N-No thank you. No medicine." she groaned in disgust. Milez poured some in a spoon and leaned towards her. 

"Aw, come on! It'll help you get better! It's perfectly good for you, too. I'll make it more fun. Watch. Here comes the airplane. The Feel Better Airlines is ready to land! Whoooosh~" he started diving and ducking the spoon around while Fallz was having none of it. And me? I just facepalmed. He should be a doctor for kids, not Vagabonds. 

Suddenly, I look at Fallz and she has that "I need a garbage can" look on her face. "Milez, I think you wanna move out of the way. Like, now." I tell him urgently. 

"Now, Tabitha. She has to take this medicine. Then, she'll feel all-"

Then, I heard it. The sound of someone throwing up. And then, I heard a high-pitched scream. Welp. I think I know what happened. And I was right. Fallz threw up and it landed all over Milez' shoes. He looked at her in horror. 

"W-What have you done?! My doctor shoes! I felt important walking around in these!" he exclaimed. Fallz suddenly looked at me and smiled. 

"Hey! I feel much better now! Thanks, Tabby! Thanks, Milez! I didn't have to take that crappy medicine after all! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get a celebratory Dr Pepper." she hugs me and then leaps off the bed to get her favorite soda from the kitchen.

Milez was frozen and couldn't move. I scratched the back of my head. "Uh, Milez? You okay, buddy?"

"...my mommy gave these to me on my first day of work." he whimpered.

Yeah, he's lost it. And we've only cured one person. 

\-----------------------------------------------

Next stop: Cheryl's room. 

Cheryl had more of a cough than anything. She was lying in her bed, surrounded by tissues and wrappers from her favorite snack foods. Ghost Ray hovered over her, wearing a nurse's outfit. If she weren't sick, I'm sure she'd be giggling like crazy right now.

"Ray, please. I can't blaze it up with you. It's only 4:15, anyway." she groaned in pain. Nurse Ray shrugged and swooped down to feel her forehead. 

"Whoa! Your forehead is hot! Like my bod. I mean, look at it." he flexed for Cheryl, which made her giggle a bit. "Do you need more Oreos?" 

Cheryl shook her head. "No, I need this-" she starts coughing again. "Ow, my throat. I need to stop this stupid cough. It won't go away!" 

A few seconds later, there's a knock on the door. Ghost Ray opens it and there stands Milez, Omega, Joe (who showed up seconds before we reached her room) and myself. "Hey! It's the party I ordered!" 

I chuckle. "No Ray, we're here to-"

"AHHHHHHHHH!! GHOST!!!!!!!!!" 

I turn around to see Milez trying to run away from the room. But, Omega and Joe grab him before he can reach the stairs. 

"What's wrong, Milez?" Omega asks. 

"Yeah. You look as if you've seen a ghost!" Ninja Monkey Joe chuckles. Cheryl and I roll our eyes. 

"You idiot. He's never met Ghost Ray before!" I explain. 

"W-w-why? Why do you have ghosts here? Are there the victims of your pranks?! That are doomed to haunt this house forever?!" Milez quaked in fear. 

"Nah. I died and I just decided to live here with Ryan. Got lonely for a while. Then, Ryan decided to open his house to others when he started playing video games with the Internet. Thus, the MadHouse was born. I hope you enjoyed your history lesson." Ghost Ray deadpanned.

Milez walked a little closer to examine the ghost, still a little nervous. "A-Are you wearing a nurse outfit?" 

"Yeah. You wanna make something of it, buddy? What's wrong with my outfit? I'm trying to help my BFF out. Come at me, bro!" the MadHouse Ghost yelled as Milez held his hands in surrender.

"Nothing! Nothing at all! It looks, uh...it looks perfectly fine for a- for a nice, non-deadly ghost like yourself." Milez chuckled nervously. 

Ghost Ray nodded and flew back to Cheryl when he heard her cough again. "And don't you forget it. Now, can you cure my BFF before I have a reason to haunt again?" 

"#2spookyforme!" Joe joked as Ghost Ray gave him a thumbs up. 

Milez quickly went to Cheryl's side and started examining her. I'm sure with his expert knowledge, she'd be better in no time. At least, that's what I thought until he pulled out the medicine again. 

Cheryl gasped and looked at Ray. "Oh, God no! That looks like instant death. I'm not drinking that! No!" 

Ghost Ray glared at Milez. "What the hell, man?! I don't want Cheryl to be a ghost yet!"

"N-Now, take it easy, Mr. Ghost. It's just medicine to help with her cough. And it works wonderfully! Just like magic! Now, come on, Cheryl! Be the brave Vagabond I know you are, and say ahhhh!" He filled a spoon with the green stuff and offered it to her.

"No! I'm not-" she coughed again. "I'm not taking that! Stay away!" 

"I'M A NINJA GHOST!!" Ghost Ray kicked Milez in the stomach and he flew out of the room. This time, Omega and Joe didn't bother to catch him as he fell to the floor. 

"Well, RIP." Omega said. 

"You all right, dude?" Joe asked, them both now deciding to help the poor man up. 

"....I think I need a new job." Milez groaned. 

A new job and maybe a new state to live in. 

\----------------------------------------  
Zinnia's turn! 

This time, they were fully sat up on their bed, playing Overwatch for the umpteenth time, I'm sure. Milez (with some bandages on) and I slowly walked in the room, as the door was kinda opened, anyway.

"Uh, are you sure this is a patient? They look fine to me. 100% peachy keen!" Milez happily observed. 

"Hey, Zinnia. I brought the doctor over to check you out. How're you feeling?" I ask. 

Zinnia just shrugged. "To be honest, I don't even know. Like, I'll feel sick, but then I'll play video games all day. And then, I'll just randomly feel sick as a dog and not want to do anything. My body doesn't know what it wants to be. It's ridiculous."

"Aha! Then, I know just what you need!" He, once again, pulls out the bottle of medicine. Milez, you're 0 for 2. What makes you think this is going to work?

Zinnia looked at the bottle in confusion. "Uh, doctor? I don't think I need that to help me. It might just be my mind playing tricks on me. Or the fact that I went to Doctor Free last week and he told me to think the cold away..."

"Yeah. That might be it. Doctor Free told me to think my cramps away. Made them worse, actually." I shrugged. 

"Aw, that's a load of nonsense! Believing you're not sick doesn't help it go away. Believing only works for Tinkerbell when she loses her powers. I was so proud of myself for clapping in the audience." Milez wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. "But, anyway. It's time for you to get better, then you'll FEEL better! Open wide!" He slowly approached Zinnia with a spoonful of green nonsense.

From outside their window, a little butterfly flew inside the bedroom. Milez immediately stopped what he was doing and gasped in awe. 

"Omigosh! Look at it! It's a butterfly! Awww! Look how adorable and small and cute it is! This is the start of a new era in this house. No longer will madness be the norm. Only cute and cuddly will-"

"I DETECTED CUTE! DIEEEEEE!!" Jess wildly ran into the room, holding a sword as Milez screamed and ran for his life. Zinnia just sat there in confusion. 

"Sooo...if it's cute, it dies?" Zinnia asked. 

"Oh, please. If it _moves_ , Jess will hunt it down." I roll my eyes, watching the chase. 

"GET THE SCARY THINGS AWAY! NO MORE SCARY THINGS!!" Milez continued running away in fear. 

The butterfly finally got the hint and flew out the window right before Jess could swing her sword. 

"The horrible, cute thing flew into my room with it's small adorableness. So, I chased it out my room, but it looks like the little bastard flew in here. Oh, well. Guess I'm going butterfly hunting! And then maybe I'll go Milez hunting..." Jess grinned and poked him a little bit with the sword which made him jump in the air and grab the ceiling fan (which was off)

I groaned. "Jess, come on! He's trying to help! Milez, please come down."

"I could've lived out my dreams of becoming the best camp counselor ever. But instead, I spend my life hiding from the MadHouse! Why?? Why?!" 

Zinnia looked up at him and then looked down at us. "Yeah, he's not coming down anytime soon."

\------------------------------

So, he came down after hanging on for 2 minutes (we had to get Jess to leave the room) and kept going through the many rooms of sick MadHouse members to try to heal them. Most of them involved himself getting hurt. This is what happens when you try to give us yucky medicine. If it's not Diet Coke, (or Pepsi, in my case) keep it the hell away!

After a long day of "healing" the sick MadHouse members, Milez walked towards the front doors with a frown on his face. For once. 

"Milez, what's wrong? You look upset. And almost mummified." I added, looking at how many bandaids are wrapped around this guy.

"Yeah, I'm happy your friends are okay. But, I didn't use my medicine! Why wouldn't they try it?"

"Well, maybe it's because it looks like something from Ghostbusters and no one wants to take it. Plus, we don't really take medicine unless Ryan makes it for us. He makes the best medicine for colds and stuff."

"Ryan. T-that's that crazy guy, right? The one with the crown?"

I nod. "Yep!"

"Do you think...do you think he could help me?" Milez asks just as we hear footsteps headed towards us.

"Why, hello there. It appears that Dr. Milezzzzz has been trying to help make the MadHouse better again. How did it go?" Of course, it was Ryan. In normal clothes, for once. Same dad shoes, though. I gave him a hug and explained what happened. 

"Well, Ryan. My friends seem to be feeling better now. But, Milez is sad that it wasn't because of his medicine. They actually got better because...because he got injured." 

"Oh, my. Well, maybe I can help with that. I'm good with remedies. I can probably modify your medicine to make it more appealing. We must go into my lab for that. But, I kinda don't trust you knowing the location of my lab. Tabby, if you please."

"Sorry, Milez." I karate chop him in the back of the neck and he falls over, unconscious. Ryan picks him up with one arm and carries him off. Jeez. He'd be great at Dead By Daylight. Wiggle free, Milez!

Ryan leads us back to his room, and then he turns it into his lab with a push of a button. He gently puts Milez in a chair and I sit with him until he starts to stir. Until then, however. I talk to Ryan. 

"Hey, Rye. What are you going to make?" I ask, watching him put his safety equipment on.

"A remedy for the terrible cold that has struck the MadHouse. I'm surprised you didn't call me in the first place." Ryan shrugged, washing his hands over the sink. "Now, let's see what Doctor Milezzzzz did. Hand me his bottle please."

I slowly took it out of Milez' hand as I gave it to Ryan for examining. He poured some out on a try and looked with his eyes, microscopes and other science tools. He took a small taste of it and shuddered, trying to lick the taste out of his mouth. I feel like I was honored to see his scrunched up face. 

Milez slowly woke up and rubbed his neck. 

"Where am I?" he asked, still groggy. 

"You're in my lab. And I think I've figured out why no one wanted to try your medicine." Ryan answered, mixing some liquids in a beaker and stirring them together. "First of all, it tastes like shit. I have no idea what you put in that concoction, but I'm kinda glad no one in the MadHouse took it. And second of all, you haven't been giving it to them the correct way. You might've been nice and caring about it, but you don't give it that certain touch. Allow me to demonstrate." 

He then pours some of his medicine into a spoon and then walks over to me. "Open up, Tabby." 

"What?! Ryan, I'm not even sick!" I exclaim, looking at the spoonful of red liquid he wanted me to try. Milez looked on in anticipation.

"Now, Tabby. Let's show this nice doctor how we do things here. Now, open up the tunnel for the Pain Train! The people have to get through so I can bring them pain, but I can't if the tunnel is closed. Open up for the Mad King! Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga. Choo choo! Here it comes~!" 

I couldn't help but giggle at this and I opened my mouth to let the "train" in. He put the spoon in my mouth and I drank the contents it had. It was surprisingly tasty! Best medicine I've ever had! 

Milez was shocked. "I did that earlier and it didn't work! It got me vomit on my shoes!" 

I shrugged. "Milez, please. We're Vagabonds. We do things a little differently here. Plus, that was delicious! Thanks, Ryan! I'm not sick, but it would help if I were!"

"Anytime, my dear. You see, Doctor? That's how you do it. I think I can take it from here, so your services are no longer needed." 

Miles was flabbergasted. "B-But...what about my bill?! I still get paid for this, don't I?"

Ryan chuckled. "Oh, yes you do. You get paid knowing that you'll live when you leave this house."

"Time for your examination, doctor. Let's check out the bumps on your head." I smirk.

"B-But, I don't have bumps on my-"

**THUD!**

\---------------------------------------

Milez was conscious, but he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes yet. But, he did hear voices around him as he tried to come to.

_"...think he's okay?"_

_"Fallz, please. Tabi couldn't have hit him that hard."_

_"Hey, come on! I'm not that weak!"_

_"I bet a battle axe to the skull would wake him up. Let's try it."_

Milez immediately woke up to see Fallz, Omega, myself and Lotti; who was holding up her battle axe, ready to strike. He screamed and backed away.

"W-What now?! Where am I?! I've got boo-boos all over the place!" Milez whimpered. 

"Awww, poor thing! Let me make it all better~" Lotti moved closer with her battle axe. 

"N-no...stay away. DON'T YOU DARE! AHHHH!!" He tried running away, and he almost made it to the door until he slipped and fell on something. Omega chuckled when he saw that it was a banana peel. "Really, Joe?"

The Ninja Monkey in question was swinging from a chandelier and chuckled. "Hey! It's my favorite snack, man!"

I helped him up, then had something to ask him. "You know. We might pick on you all the time and threaten your life, but we actually think you're pretty cool. Would you like to stay here in the MadHouse with us? There's room for one more."

"You don't have to be a doctor or anything like that. Just live with us and have all the fun we have! I think you'll learn to embrace the madness of this house." Fallz added.

"And I promise we'll try to tone down the violence towards you. Which means that Lotti can't have her weapons around you anymore." Omega smirked. Lotti gasped in shock, then huffed.

"Fine. But, he'd better not come in my room. It's MY room. MY weapons. MY Diet Coke." Lotti emphasized.

"So, what do you say, Milez? Wanna give it a try?" I ask again. Milez looked at me like I had 2 heads and shook his one head. 

"N-No! I can't! I won't! You guys are the complete opposite of me! And I'm trying to keep my sanity. But, no matter where I go, you're there! I can't be anywhere without you and that Mad King showing up! The Vagabonds are slowly taking over and I gotta find my safe haven before it's too late!" Milez reached for the door knob with a shaky hand and turned it. "Goodbye, Vagabonds. I'm glad you're all well. But, you're not chasing me out this time. I'm just gonna walk out." 

Milez stormed out the house and quickly walked to his car. He looked back at the house and sighed. He might've been spooked out by us all, but..maybe he liked it? Maybe he needed some sort of adventure in his life. More than just being the happy, peppy guy at his many jobs. What if...?

What if Milez was secretly...a Vagabond?

Looks like The Doctor is Out. 

For good.


End file.
